From this past month and several days do I realize what it truly means to be torn at heart. Everyone goes through the time of separation and rejection with many many different results. Some men kill themselves, some women just distance themselves from everyone they know and left recluse, and some do the opposite. Everyone that has gone and passed those times know that it certainly is a very difficult time in life that leaves you with a void that can not be filled. However, the pain is nothing compared to what it's like when you have a child that apart of that part of your life. Losing the one I loved was surely painful, but my errors and blinded actions left me something far greater of a consequence that I could imagine.
To start I will begin with the connection between my child from the time I finally met him when he was born, to date was one of the strongest and most powerful moments in my life and forever will be. Seeing the life breathe his first breathes, holding his hands that were dwarfed by my own, left me with a peace that I could not find if I tried my whole life. As time went on after that, I considerably understand the amount of patience and responsibility you will have to have to have a child. The very late nights, the endless precautions of keeping him healthy, the love you must always give to a child. Truly, those experiences are not hard whatsoever, because you feel no burden from them. The whole time is purely happiness seeing that what you do is what needs to be done and that no matter what they grow up to know love and happiness. Nothing has ever brought me so close to another human being, nothing has ever made me happier. Life for the time, was phenomenal and a blessing. Any parents will tell you the exact same thing for every child they have ever raised.
Time went on, with the usual struggles and stresses of life that are undeniably unavoidable. Accidents, lost of job, growing tired, and in my case, becoming a wretched person. Grief, stupidity, revenge, and countless other atrocities had led me astray from those I loved, from the most important people in life. I had committed things that many have done before, but each the same, just too horrible of sins to seem to have forgiven. Lost in my transformation of a beast, I lost sight of the importance of why I was putting up with such things, of why I worked tremendously, and of why I didn't give up all together. I loved my son like no other, but my sins in the end had finally caught up with my actions which stripped me a full time of life with him and now I suffer with an unrelenting force of sadness, and depression that no matter how hard I try, the pain is always the same. Things are much better for me, certainly more than how others go through this, but I had no idea the lost of control of tears from the memories you have of them. Your heart aching every time you realize the nightmare is not gone when you wake up. This is with me being able to see him every so often, and talking him almost everyday. Though all parents know that there is no time amount in the world you would rather spend than to be with them. Again, I say I am too lucky to be able to have a great friend as I do than to have them be so fair to me with my child. Though the happiest part of my day soon becomes my saddest part as I realize that I do have to leave his side eventually. I wish I could be strong enough not to cry after my goodbye. The strength I've worked all week to keep me standing, crumbles into dust with no remorse as I spend the next several hours in a stupor praying that the pain subsides. I ask God of why its allowed to feel this way? I degrade myself for how unbelievably thick I was. That I get what I deserve, and should see it no other way. Why do I put myself through this?
All my friends and family who are by my side crutch me through as I plead for their help. But what I'm ashamed to say is that, above all else, my faith suffers as it had been for many years. I realize the times how eager I am to skip over the christian posts I see. The humiliation I feel when I say I am still strong in my faith when in reality I fell down a steep slope. I wondered what part of the bible can explain this very pain to me and how I could at the very least overcome it.....
There it was the entire time, apart of the core belief that is Catholicism. Jesus Christ died for our sins, but his mother Mary had to suffer beyond an imaginable pain to see this happen to him. From what I feel to what I can imagine she felt as he took his torture , leaves me thinking that I am nowhere near as pained as she was. Being the greatest mother of history, she stood strong as the mountains themselves. Mary had faith without doubt which gave her the strength to endure what seemed impossible. As I know and firmly believe, Jesus had risen, and had saved us from disaster. Her faith had been strong, and she was rewarded with courage and hope. Now here, in the twenty first century I find myself as a little boy crying for a scratch on his elbow. If I had an ounce of Mary's strength and faith, I would find my pain completely gone. Though I still say I learned that I should be solid in my faith, I know I have much to atone and much to be forgiven for before I could truly call myself a Christian again.
Now the only thing left is for me to change is to find the path I was set on to do whatever in this life I was suppose to do. Mary, I hope the angels you send me can lift me off my dragging feet to a better tomorrow with my son being there awaiting me. Thank you. My God, I will be the best that I can be so that I do not fail my goal for my son, and as well for myself.
Listening to: eating
Reading: the screen
Watching: the screen
Playing: the screen
Drinking: the screen